


Empty

by PayItForwardYo



Series: Moments [13]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-06 09:17:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3129236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PayItForwardYo/pseuds/PayItForwardYo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina struggles while Henry is away.  The year she spent alone in the Enchanted Forest, permanently separated from Emma and Henry, left wounds that never truly healed.</p>
<p>Part 13 of the "Moments" series.  Follows immediately after part 12 (I Was Always Coming Back) but it stands alone fairly well (I hope!).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Most importantly, trigger warning for discussions of suicide, and possible suicidal acts and tendencies. Please steer clear if you’re sensitive to such themes.
> 
> Secondly, I play a little fast and loose with canon. There’s no Hook or Robin (because I have zero interest in writing or exploring either character) but the lost year happened, and was resolved.
> 
> Thirdly, small bit of actual sexytimes ahead. Rating bumped accordingly.

Emma frowned into her pillow as she woke, instinctively knowing that it was still the middle of the night and that Regina’s side of the bed was empty. It had been the same every night since Henry had signed up for a week of wilderness training (also the night they’d fought, but Emma's mind shied from that) and it would be foolish to think that on this night, the last night Henry would spend safely in his bed for a week, that anything would be different.

Resigned that these nightly pilgrimages to Henry’s room were necessary for Regina, Emma threw back the blankets and shuffled into her slippers, hoping to keep the worst of the midnight chill at bay. She padded quietly through the upstairs hallway and found Regina as she had each night, arms folded protectively around herself and leaning against the doorway to Henry’s room, watching him sleep.

The first night Regina had allowed herself to be led back to bed and fallen into a restless slumber soon after wrapping herself in Emma’s surprised arms. It was a luxury Regina didn’t usually allow herself, being held, even though her body would invariably curl into Emma's as soon as sleep overtook her. Still, understanding, Emma hid her surprise and cradled her tightly until Regina woke much too early with the morning light. 

The second night she hesitated to return to their room and Emma held her for long moments in Henry’s doorway, eventually rocking her back and forth soothingly until Regina relented and returned, again seeking out Emma’s comforting embrace. The third night brought Regina’s silent tears, and Emma felt her heart break a little, knowing the emotions were becoming overwhelming. Emma was beginning to feel them across their bond and Regina never let that happen when she was in full control, too worried about the effect of her darkness on Emma’s light. When they finally returned to their bed that night and Regina fell fitfully to sleep, the tears continued and Emma had never felt so useless in all her life.

Tonight the tears were back and when Emma slid her arms lightly around Regina’s waist, she turned fully and buried her head against Emma’s shoulder, muffling the sobs wracking her suddenly too thin frame. Emma gathered her tighter immediately with one arm and grabbed at the bedroom door handle with the other, pulling it gently closed to avoid waking Henry.

“Shh, it’s ok,” Emma soothed, petting dark hair as her own tears began to form. “He’s coming back this time, I promise. And it will be different… so very different. You’re not alone anymore.”

Regina sniffed, voice heavy and wet. “I know he’s coming back, I do. And I know you’re staying with me this time and I’m so grateful.” The words were weak and muffled against her shoulder, but Emma still shuffled them away from Henry’s door to guarantee Henry didn’t wake to the sound of his mother’s distressed voice. “But the emptiness inside me, it’s the same as when I stood at the town line and let you two go, and I can’t get away from it. It’s trying to swallow me whole all over again. In my head I know it’s not the same but my heart-”

Regina’s tears began anew, choking off her words, and there was nothing for Emma to say. She wasn’t in the habit of telling people what to feel, knowing from her experiences on both sides of the fence that it just didn’t work that way. So she didn’t. She just continued to stroke gentle patterns across Regina’s back and shoulders, murmuring soothing nonsense that eventually morphed into the only real consolation Emma could realistically offer.

“We’ll get through this together. You and me. Somehow we’ll make it through.”

~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~

The next morning dawned, **the** morning, and Emma was surprised by the smell of pancakes and bacon that enticed her gently into wakefulness. She wondered briefly if Regina had made some sort of peace with the day’s upcoming events while she slept but realized quickly upon entering the kitchen and finding Regina robotically going through the motions of her morning that it wasn’t the case. 

No, this wasn’t better, this was worse. The Regina she’d cradled last night through sobs and nightmares had been broken, but also alive and fighting. This Regina was just a shell of the woman she loved. Her fighting spirit was nowhere to be found and it was the scariest thing Emma had ever seen. Regina could beat just about anything as long as she was willing to fight it. It was when she gave up on herself that she was truly in danger and Emma feared that’s what they'd come to - that that's what she was witnessing. It didn’t happen often, Regina’s fighting spirit truly being a force of nature, but it **did** happen, and it was on those occasions that Emma truly feared for Regina.

Emma padded over quietly and waited briefly until the last of the bacon was cooling and the burners were off before using gentle hands to turn Regina towards her. She was met with lifeless brown eyes for a long few seconds (some of the longest of Emma’s life) before they slowly sharpened and finally focused.

“There you are.” Emma breathed, relieved. “You had me worried there for a minute.” Emma brought a hand up to gently stroke Regina’s cheek. “Please don’t do that… I don’t know how to find you when you leave me like that.”

Regina blinked once, then again, until she finally leaned into the touches still brushing feather light against her cheek. Emma smiled back encouragingly to mask her worry and added a gentle kiss to her love’s forehead. She knew in her heart that Regina would never leave her intentionally but the worry that Regina’s demons would somehow carry her away when Emma wasn’t paying attention gnawed at her constantly.

“I’m here my love. I’m sorry I’m so…” There didn’t seem to be a word that quite fit and Regina let the thought trail off into nothing.

Emma felt a sigh building within her, Regina’s insinuation that she was somehow a burden as unnerving as always. Emma knew that Regina had been convinced throughout her life that her struggles were an inconvenience to those around her and no amount of coaxing now could convince her otherwise. But now was not the time to tackle that particular issue so instead she forced the sigh back to the hollow pit that always formed in her gut when she worried about Regina and continued her gentle stroking, not sure it was helping but fairly certain it wasn’t making things worse either. If nothing else, it centered Emma enough that she could try to dig out some words of comfort.

“I know it’s difficult, but I meant what I said last night. I’m here and we’re going to get through this together. I can be strong enough for the both of us, if that 's what it takes. I can do that for you... for us.”

“I can’t-”

But Emma wasn’t destined to know whatever it was that Regina didn’t think she could do, though knowing REgina it was probably something ridiculous like “ask you to do that.”. The soft sounds of Henry’s preparations that had been the background noise to their entire conversation erupted suddenly into loud footsteps pounding down the stairs and Regina had herself well out of Emma’s reach and setting the table by the time Henry stormed into the kitchen in a rush.

The fake smile Regina had plastered on her face morphed into something almost genuine when he skipped past the bacon and pancakes waiting on the end of the island for him and made a beeline for her instead, wrapping himself around her in an all encompassing hug that had become increasingly rare as he passed from child to teenager. 

Emma watched her just breathe for a long time before gently disentangling herself from her son with a final kiss against his unruly hair. “Thank you sweetheart, but you need to eat your breakfast before it gets cold. Who knows when your next hot meal will be, hmm?”

Emma couldn’t see Henry’s face as he pulled back and considered his mom for a long time, but she could imagine the look he wore, patient and pensive. Regina held out against it for quite a while - longer than Emma would have thought possible, knowing what she knew - but finally her bright smile faded to a softer one that Emma only saw in their private family moments. Usually for Henry, but sometimes now for her as well.

“I’m fine Henry," Regina lied valiantly.

“I’ll be back in a week,” Henry promised. “And you don’t have to worry about me. David and I are a great team and we’ll be super careful.”

“I know.” Regina whispered, one perfect tear slipping free.

“And you’re not alone,” Henry continued gravely. “Not anymore. You have Mary Margaret and Granny and Ruby and… everyone. You have everyone, Mom. But mostly you have Emma. Remember that this week and, ” Henry took a breath. “Just let yourself have that.” 

Regina stared at him for another long moment, no longer having to look down to gaze into his eyes, and unlike Henry, her face Emma could see. But the emotions were moving across those beautiful planes so quickly that Emma couldn’t even begin to read them. Then they were hidden away again, so fast Emma blinked and missed it, and Regina was grasping Henry’s face between her two hands tenderly. Slowly, she drew him towards her and placed a tender kiss against his forehead. He and Emma both gasped slightly, Henry at the sensation of Magic and Emma at the small halo of light that spread lazily from where Regina’s lips grazed his skin. 

With no curse to break or memories to return the magic faded away quickly, almost like it had never been at all, leaving Henry and Emma slightly stunned and Regina brushing past them both with only a brief pause to squeeze Henry lightly on the shoulder as she passed him on her way to the stairs. After the footsteps above them slowed and then stopped Henry turned to Emma, questions dancing clearly in his eyes.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Emma beamed at Henry, absolutely beamed at the amazing human being that she had somehow helped create. “No kid, you were absolutely perfect.”

~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~

Emma watched Regina watch the bus trundle slowly out of sight with its precious cargo. She was still as death and so tense that Emma could swear the woman was actually vibrating. Even after it had gone they stood there, watching, until finally Emma placed a gentle hand against the small of Regina's back, gently coaxing her to turn and hoping to pull her attention away from the long empty street in front of them. 

Definitely vibrating.

Even more worried than before, which she wouldn’t have thought possible, Emma pulled in a breath and dug deep for the most normal sounding tone she could muster. "Come on beautiful, let’s head over to Granny's." It came out strained, but not horribly so and Emma decided it was really the best she could hope for, given the circumstances.

Regina was distracted enough to miss the tone, but no so distracted that she missed the peculiar nature of the request and frowned. “It’s Monday, we’ve already eaten and we’re both late for work. Why on Earth would we go to Granny’s?”

“Because it’s only 9:30 and I promised Ruby I’d give her ‘til 10 to get your office set up.” Emma responded hesitantly, unsure of herself, the plan, and Regina’s reaction to it. Scratching the back of her neck nervously and wondering if her earlier flash of brilliance was really all the brilliant, Emma took the bull by the horns and launched into the explanation she’d been practicing in her head since she and Henry had decided how they were going to help Regina get through this week.

“Ok, look,” Emma began, determined. “Remember last year when you bought the Sheriff's Department a laptop because I begged and pleaded and was all sorts of adorable? Well, Ruby’s kinda setting it up in your office. I’m pretty hopeless with those things and she knows what she’s doing so… yeah. I’m going to work from there this week.”

Regina stared at her for a second, then shook her head minutely, seemingly stunned.

“If you’re at my office and David’s in the woods, who will be at the station, Sheriff?” Regina’s incredulous tone was actually the most normal she’s sounded in days and, despite everything, it gave Emma hope. Regina was still in there - she was buried deep but she was there.

“Uhm, that would be Ruby.”

“So Eugenia will be bussing tables? Honestly Emma, I can’t allow-”

“No, no, of course not. She’s like, a thousand. Belle’s going to help out at Granny’s this week.”

“Then who the Hell will be at the library!” Regina responded, hands swinging up between them and voice raised in irritated confusion.

“The library’s for the kids, “ Emma replied reasonably, “and we just shipped them all off into the woods for a week. The library’s closed.”

Regina stared at her, her distress clearly evident if you knew how to read her. “Emma-”

“Look, I’ve told you and Henry’s told you but you don’t seem to believe it. Or trust it. Or maybe you just don’t understand how it’s supposed to work - I don’t really know. But you’re not alone here Regina. Everybody knows what you gave up last year and we all know what it cost you. We are not going to let you suffer through this week by yourself. It’s been settled and there isn’t really much I could do at this point to stop it anyway. So, what do you say?” 

Emma held out her hand invitingly. “Come to Granny’s with me?”

~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~

Regina had relented, after a fashion, and followed Emma to Granny’s. Later at her office, their office, she’d settled in quickly (surprising the ever loving God out of Emma) and set to work like it was completely normal to have a second desk, a second computer and another person in there with her. The fact that it was Emma, the woman she was rapidly starting to suspect was her True Love and Soul Mate all wrapped up in one beautiful blonde package, probably smoothed the way considerably.

Emma felt Regina’s gaze on her constantly that day and the ones that followed, but it didn’t bother her. After a little while spent getting used to it, it even became a comfort. After all, that was the point, for Regina to not feel alone, and if that meant she had to spend one minute out of every thirty tracing Emma’s features from across the room, well then so be it.

Late in the evenings, when the days had stretched on too long and her mind was exhausted and there was no work to distract her, Regina would let her thoughts shift to Henry and the year she’d spent mourning him and she’d hover dangerously close to the edge. But Emma was there, always, and dialed in to Regina, completely, and somehow they managed. It wasn’t a fairy tale, Regina’s wounds raw and threatening, but the week was almost over and somehow they were _managing_.

But Storybrooke had always had a deep aversion to the status quo and eventually, something had to give. This time it was the dwarves, who went absolutely bat shit crazy, taking most of the town with them, and Emma had to leave the office and actually go be the Sheriff. For the better part of the day and evening she lectured, manhandled and finally arrested the town into some semblance of order, all the while texting Regina and growing more and more concerned with each response, always shorter than the one before and lacking that spark that **was** Regina.

It was dark by the time she finally made it home, even with her blatant disregard for official paperwork in triplicate, and she headed towards the bedroom without hesitation as tt was the only room in the mansion with the light on. The door was closed, which was odd and alarming, and Emma pushed it open quickly, having speculated herself into a tizzy on the short drive over and quick dash up the stairs. Nothing she’d considered prepared her, though, for the sight that greeted her, causing her to feel heavy and light headed all at once while images filtered through her shock in bursts of understanding. 

Regina, perching on the side of their bed. 

Her heart in her hand, squeezing steadily. 

Pale and short of breath through the self inflicted pain.

Emma was by the bed in three long, desperate strides and had Regina's hand and heart cradled safely in her own grasp not a second later. She felt Regina's hand blessedly loosen it's stranglehold on the heart even as Emma was slowly (or quickly, it was hard to tell) realizing the implications of what she'd just witnessed.

Regina could have died. 

No. Regina could have killed herself.

"Jesus fuck!" The crude expletive that would normally draw a stern admonishment escaped Emma's lips without thought, but the sight of Regina, her other half, _her person_ , crushing her own heart in her hand had triggered that part of herself with no filters, no boundaries or rules, and only the one purpose - to protect Regina from anything that could harm her. Even from Regina herself.

Regina had raised her eyes to Emma's when she'd burst in but dropped them back to the heart still resting in her palm, badly bruised but now being gently cradled. She licked her dry lips and let her eyes drift shut tiredly. Brokenly.

"Henry’s gone and you were gone and I just… there was nothing inside me. Again. I just needed to feel something. Anything."

Emma eyed her critically then gently lifted their joined hands to Regina's chest, unable to spend any more time with her love's heart hovering between them. It made her mind fuzzy and ruined any chance she had at a coherent thought. It took a second, their hands hovering still against Regina's chest and Emma's mind tripping over itself in an uncoordinated jumble, before Emma felt Regina's magic pulsing against her hand and taking over. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, the glowing hand slipped effortlessly inside Regina's chest, returning the strong (but so, so vulnerable) heart to it's rightful place and suddenly, blessedly, Emma could breathe again.

Emma's mind slowed and focused and suddenly, she had clarity. What quickly followed was the realization of the true extent of the trauma Regina had suffered during their year apart. Though Regina refused to speak of it, Emma had truly thought she understood the sacrifice Regina had made for them and the consequences she'd endured. But now, having seen what she had, Emma knew differently.

Relieved of its burden, Emma used her now free hand to gently, so gently, raise Regina's downcast gaze until their eyes met. When she focused, finally, Emma murmured softly, as if they were the only two people in the universe, not just the room. "Pain isn't the answer. You've had so much of that already. Too much." She raised a hand and stroked it through Regina's dark, mussed locks.

"There's so much to feel besides pain. There’s love and hope and belonging, " Emma continued encouragingly. “And I can help you feel all of it, if you'll let me." 

Emma brushed her lips against Regina's once, hesitantly, then again with more confidence when she didn't pull away. "Will you let me help you feel love, baby?"

Emma continued the gentle caresses with her lips until she felt Regina's breaths deepen. It took longer than usual but Emma was encouraged none the less and immediately passed her tongue over Regina's bottom lip, following it with a tender nibble in the way she knew Regina liked. 

After a moment's hesitation, the soft lips she lived to kiss parted beneath her own and Emma was able to slip her tongue gently inside. She began a slow exploration, even though she knew every contour, every dip and curve by heart, slowly deepening the kiss until it was one of the most sensual they'd ever shared, wet and open mouthed - almost desperate in its intensity. Emma felt a moan rise within her own chest, but pushed it back.

This was about Regina, not her.

Slowly Emma raised her hands to the top button on Regina's shirt and began the slow process of removing the blouse, never once releasing the lips she'd claimed, or allowing the intensity of their kiss to waver. Before long the shirt was discarded, along with Regina's bra. When Emma palmed the breasts now bared to her and stroked lightly against her nipples, she felt Regina sigh.

Usually Emma's first touches against Regina's chest drew gasps and moans, and Emma felt a sudden flicker of doubt rip through her. Her hands stilled. This was not something she would ever **take** from Regina - it was always meant to be something Regina gave freely.

Reluctantly, she pulled back from their kiss.

"You ok?" She queried, still cupping Regina's breasts tenderly but no longer stroking, and leaning back far enough to capture Regina's gaze with her own. What she saw there was encouraging, flushed cheeks and dilated pupils, but she had to be sure. She hadn't felt the need to ask for a while now, but this was different. Everything about today was different.

"You can tell me to stop anytime," Emma continued. "You know that, right?"

Regina nodded but Emma, hyper-aware of her responsibilities to Regina, in this arena especially, needed more than a shake of the head. "I need to hear you say it sweetheart, so I'm sure."

For a minute Regina just gazed at her with heart breaking relief and trust. Then she leaned their foreheads together and breathed, "Anytime. I can tell you stop anytime and you will."

It was what Emma needed to hear and she drew Regina's lips back to her own, instigating another deeply sensual kiss interrupted only briefly when she guided Regina's hips up from the bed to remove her slacks and panties. Emma’s shirt disappeared too but when Regina’s hands drifted next to Emma’s bra, Emma gripped them gently and returned them to where they'd been resting on her hips, kneading lightly.

"Not this time, love. You just open your heart and feel." 

With gentle hands against shoulders much less tense than they'd been all week, Emma gently guided Regina down until she was laying across the bed. Emma ditched her pants then nestled herself amongst the cradle of Regina's hips just _so_ , to create a loving and protective weight that she was careful never turned restrictive.

Blanketing her, murmuring over and over “Open you heart for me” and "Can you feel feel how much I love you", Emma caressed and stroked, nipped and sucked, and delved deeply within Regina, making sure she felt nothing but love and pleasure until much later when a dreamless sleep claimed her, exhausted and protected and loved.

~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~~~~~~SQ~~

Emma woke long before Regina, her jumbled thoughts not allowing her more than a few hours sleep to rest her weary body. Even now, barely awake and exhausted as she was, her mind tormented her with thoughts of the previous evening and the disaster it could have become, even as she cradled Regina, undeniably safe in her arms.

Helplessly, she let the thoughts spin and whirl until the morning sun brought the first movement from her charge since she’d drifted off hours earlier, sated and spent, and finally with some semblance of peace. Emma let her gaze sweep aimlessly across Regina’s face, letting the familiar visage and the warm feelings it fostered clear her jumbled mind, and waited for her to wake.

When the dark brown eyes finally fluttered open and landed on her own Emma asked gently, “How do you feel?”, while brushing back an errant lock of hair that had fallen across Regina’s face during the night. The movement turned into a gentle stroking against Regina’s cheek and Emma felt the repetitive motion and warm skin beneath her fingertips soothe her even more.

God, she might just make it through this afterall. 

The gentle twitch of a smile that crossed Regina’s lips was answer enough and Emma returned the smile tentatively, a little more of her tension ebbing away. It wasn’t the most important question she had to get answered, but it was a good start, and Emma had decided at some point during her restless morning that every victory was worth celebrating. When Regina burrowed impossibly deeper into the pillow and against Emma, then sighed contentedly, Emma felt a warmth spread through her, knowing that somehow she had managed to be what Regina needed.

“What time is it?” Regina asked, muffled.

“Don’t know and don’t care. You’re my boss and you run the whole damn town which means you’re the Mayor’s boss too. We are not going in today, I don’t care if it’s an abuse of power.”

Regina tsked at her slightly but remained snuggled against her and Emma took this new victory with relief, having expected a much harder fought battle. But, though Regina could be stubborn, Emma had noticed in her recently a certain newfound wisdom when it came to picking her battles. 

The thought sobered Emma slightly then, before she could over think it or lose her nerve, she tightened her hold just a fraction and steeled herself for whatever her next question would bring. “I need to ask you something,” Emma began seriously, “and I need you to be completely honest with me. Nothing bad will happen, no matter how you answer. I won’t judge you or leave you or stop loving you or… anything. I just have to know if-.”

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, “ Regina interrupted and Emma wilted immediately with the relief of not having to say the words herself. 

“At least, it wasn’t my intention,” Regina continued almost philosophically, sounding much more awake than moments before. “But last night my focus was… elsewhere. My judgement was impaired and I can’t say for certain it might not have happened, despite my lack of intention.”

Emma blinked, felt the blatant honesty of the words, and her breath left her in a whoosh. “I shouldn’t have left you.”

“No, my love. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get to the point where I couldn’t be left.”

“You could, I don’t know, talk to Archie or something,” Emma threw out tentatively, uncomfortable being let off the hook so completely but unwilling to miss such a clear opportunity regardless of the fact she was unsure if she even had the right to make the suggestion at all. Her own track record with issue avoidance wasn’t much better than Regina’s.

Regina pulled away far enough to lock their gazes fully, and Emma was struck by the earnestness she found in those dark brown eyes. “Or I could just talk to you.”

Emma felt the smile overtake her without conscious thought and a moment later she was bringing their lips together sweetly. When they broke apart Emma nuzzled against Regina softly and replied confidently, “Or you can talk to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry these pieces are taking longer than they used to. I think I’ve gotten a better handle on how to edit these suckers after I’ve written them. but it takes me a freaking long time to do it! That and the fact that this one kinda got away from me.
> 
> Speaking of… Somewhere in there, Emma calls Regina “baby”. I was horrified but Emma insisted that she meant it and Regina was too wrecked to care so it stayed. Maybe that’s how all pet names start, who knows? I have no idea if that one’s there to stay or if it was just an anomaly. Hopefully they’ll tell me in the next story.
> 
> Also, sexytimes. With my legendary awkward, I’m really not sure whether to say “Sorry” or “You’re welcome”. You guys probably wanted more but even that small bit was a minor miracle. The things I do for Regina! I promised at the beginning that I would make myself write it when it became necessary and, finally, it really was… even if I only managed a few paragraphs. But if I know SWEN, and I think I do, I’m sure you guys can fill in the blanks.


End file.
